Encouraging My Client to Turn Towards Pain Is Following My Ethical Values
Like that of many other helping professionals, my number one ethical obligation is to do no harm. A concept I will argue is subjective and leaves many people floundering in the gray areas and pointing fingers at each other. Many believe that traditional rules prevent harm. Let’s call a spade a spade, look at the world, and let us acknowledge that traditional rules in most capacities have not served the masses well.
Rules, boxes, norms, and codes, who gets to define harm? Is the pain that a person endures on the path to healing genuinely harmful? Many people will stop on the way, unable to continue to endure misery, and then accuse those trying to help of inflicting harm. This accusation will serve as a survival technique for some, as blame can allow for distractions that temporarily stop the pain. Research has shown that preventing or avoiding pain does more harm than good. Too often, people inflict harm upon themselves by pushing away the uncomfortable, turning away from what’s different, and at times denying reality. While essential to hold on to the things we are grateful for and notice the good things in life, toxic positivity leaves many with blinders on and an inability to sit it with the uncomfortable parts of life that make us human.
I once had a client ask me, “do you think that peace is truly on the edge of darkness?” I had to clarify first; “Is that like saying the road out of misery is straight through hell?” He solemnly nodded his head as I recalled hearing that statement from a handful of therapists. It always left me feeling extraordinarily hopeless and in a state of despair. Years ago, when my first therapist ripped off the band-aid that I didn’t even know I had on, all I could see was that he had just caused me irreparable harm. A vivid memory that allows me to have complete empathy when a client shares that they are scared to engage in therapy, explore new things or even experience a moment of neutrality from afflictive feelings (which can be pretty uncomfortable for some). When I have my therapist hat on, I see misery as part of the process and that my ultimate intention of creating a better life for my client proves that my goal is to do no harm. Honestly, though, when sitting in the client seat, I have often thought, “wait, are you helping me or hurting me?” The concept of harm is a subjective one, influenced by personal feelings and experiences.
Lately, reoccurring thoughts have stirred anger as I ponder why others’ opinions of what do no harm means. I keep finding myself on my soapbox about the desperate need for a changing landscape within the mental health field with anyone willing to engage in the conversation. Therapists are not supposed to take sides, maintain strict boundaries, and use a predetermined set of criteria when treating clients, so says Freud and many other traditionalists. Yet, these very proper rules and many concepts of principle often support our patriarchal ways of being. On my journey, I have seen how traditional rules cause harm. Many people in today’s world are witnessing and falling victim far too often to the harm that comes from supporting and validating rigid beliefs and those that are overly empowered.
I am an outside-the-box kind of person by nature. While many have tried to keep me firmly ensconced within a narrow box, extricating myself from it has led me to many discoveries while being a source of pain. Personally and professionally, I’m going to stay on my soapbox and continue to challenge traditional beliefs. For me turning towards the pain has been more helpful than harmful. In answer to my client’s question, yes, I believe peace sits on the edge of darkness. We often must go through the darkness to reach a place of less suffering and less misery. While working on past issues and gaining awareness of the maladaptive patterns developed to survive, I regularly thought I was causing myself more harm than good. I now know that actual harm would have come if I had continued to ignore the multiple band-aids that my early experiences had necessitated to keep me intact. As a therapist, helping my client identify their band-aids and eventually be brave enough to pull them off is me maintaining my obligation of doing no harm.