We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

A wise man once said to me (ok, it was a therapist), “if you are seeing a therapist who isn’t seeing a therapist, run.”  In those years, long before the idea of becoming a therapist even entered my mind, I thought him a bit odd, as I believed the widespread belief that if you need to see a therapist, you must have problems.  Fast forward to the present day, and I now preach and practice that very same message.  I love when I see memes that say that “millennials and generation z often quote the things their therapists told them that week in session.”  

 My intention in writing this is to remind myself and share with others that, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” The willingness of younger generations (including my children) to look beyond the judgment of society gives me hope that this world can become a better place for them.  Why engage in exploration or taking an unknown path that was not pre-selected for us?  It makes sense as creatures of comfort that we would shy away from the uncomfortable feelings of fear, sadness, confusion, to name a few, and opt for familiarity.  Yet, always, when I venture down the road less traveled, I discover what I could not have possibly known before.  Those discoveries are motivating me to keep exploring, doing my own work, and helping others.

 Many discoveries are made because someone was able to tolerate the unknown long enough to learn something new.  We know that the world is not flat, that human beings share many common lived experiences even on opposite sides of the world, and that without a willingness to look, try, and embrace fear, so many stay stuck.  I have sat in my hopelessness and despair, trying to grasp the notion that all things are impermanent, despite feeling that I was stuck and there was no way for things to change.  I would read books, watch movies, take various trainings and sit in groups where others shared their stories.  Frustration always present, as I thought only those on the “other side” could be so hopeful. Once again, I don’t know what I don’t know.

 My most recent journey down the unfamiliar path was backpacking in Yosemite for six days. I had zero wilderness experience, had only been glamping, and was not a hiker or even someone who enjoyed the outdoors.  Many thought I had lost my mind and were left confused by what I was hoping to seek down the less traveled road and one without modern-day facilities such as a toilet and shower.  I really couldn’t explain it to others or even to myself, but it seemed like the thing I needed to do.  I did survive, a bit injured but completely intact.  With each step I took, over almost 50 miles, I learned explicitly that we genuinely couldn’t know what we don’t know.  It is only through the doing and the being that self-discovery is possible.  With each step, I had to be in the moment, focused on the step I was taking and not on the top of the mountain where I was going.  If I didn’t stay present, I would have missed the multiple obstacles in my way and probably not been so graceful each time I fell.  While walking, I did miss some of the beauty that Yosemite had to offer.  Yet, I found a way to be aware of what my body was telling me, which in turn pushed me to ask for help when needed and learn/set my limits. I discovered that authenticity, with myself and others, allowed not only for my healing but also for those who walked beside me.   I formed a stronger bond with my higher power that helps me embrace the concept that suffering is a part of life and there are reasons for all of it.  I also learned that I don’t need others to understand me all the time.  After all, I can share my experiences and hold loosely to the notion that while I can be present to guide others, only they can commit to the work that will help them figure out what they don’ know they don’t know.  

Part of my current integration process has been to move through my grief and accept that many in this world won’t understand me and possibly judge me for what I say and do. I am learning to embrace those who are curious and ask questions and accept without judgment those who don’t. This has been a challenging piece to write, yet another journey. Why? Because I still don’t know what I don’t know.  Like all humans, I sometimes default to my old conditioning and still resist trying something unfamiliar or new because of the story my mind has already created, which has led me to edit and re-edit several times. So what do I know now? The path to re-awareness is one I am destined to travel over and over.  Now I just hope to meet some fellow explorers.